when i was smaller, i never opened a can drink or a bottle myself cuz i was scared of the sudden pop sound it made. even now when i could do it, it always makes my heart feel fonder when someone offers to open the drink. some said i was spoilt.

 

there is one more thing i could never do myself since young, to now and probly till much much older. that is lighting a match or starting a lighter. that sudden "appearance" of fire always gives me a startle so much so that i would drop the lighter even before attempting to start it. so it has always been my best friends who lighted my birthday candle for the past tweenty odd years. and i'm always gratefull.

 

it seems like sudden-ness in whichever forms possible could scare me.

 

when i was 19, my granduncle who used to be a doctor working on ships diagnosed that i had a small heart which has to beat faster than normal just to meet up with the normal speed of my blood regulation and that was why i suffer from an illness called: nervousness.

 

i'm easily thrilled, excited, emotional and little things can make my heart go fonder.

 

recently, my heart seems to beat faster in more instances, not only just sudden-ness but also anxiety. its bearable but the intensity seems to increase. it starts to make me worried as i know its not a matter of the heart in figurative mearning.

 

will anything happen?

 

i wish i could be happier. cuz happiness simply chases away all nervousness.

 

i'm learning to be gratefull.

 

i'm missing the happy little girl in me.

 

and i definitely wanna see sunrise.