this year valentine was special. and though a little embarrassed to say it, it was special cuz i was the little angel :)

 

little angel has two big feather wings, a halo and a white dress. she also has bad eye bags (though already tried really hard to conceal), a weary body after staying up overnite for a series of events,, an aching shoulder that needs a good massage but she smiled to almost everyone including strangers and she was happy.

 

little angel also had two quizzes on the day. she only finished reading the notes for the first time about 5 minutes before that. and now she's praying that she is being watched over too *praying really really hard* =)

 

the past two months or probably three was really busy and was sad...

 

grandpa passed away one week after i reached home for december break. so it was sad and it was hurting. its painful to be hurt but its a lot worse seeing your loved ones being hurt. and worst is seeing your loved ones misunderstand and hating each other. everything feels just so torn.

 

what can a little angel do? she prayed and she cried. she was weakened but she stood strong. she took in whatever she could. heavy hearted and dampened. but that were all she did. she was helpless. she wondered what could she possibly do. she wonder if she is brave enough...

 

she escaped once again like every pisces does between the reality and the fantasy world. little angel came back to singapore and buried herself in work. dandan called her the busy queen.

 

work was tough. was tiring. was physically strained. was stressed. but little angel is strong, physically and mentally. and at least she was occupied. was happy. achieved. at least she was "excused"... but it was just another torning feeling when you know there is still that room in your heart that can never ever be replaced - family that is...

 

angel blogged once a while but all were kept as draft. somehow something is meant to be kept to oneself. or maybe it was just a mask like a happy face that angel is expected to keep or maybe it's just that she think she's expected to. but she did anyway.

 

well, at least this year valentine, little angel was happy for that one day.

 

new year is coming soon. real soon. and tml is union dinner at home(one day earlier than sg) and its gonna be just mum and dad.

 

if angel can really fly, she would be home.

 

at times i really wonder what i really wanna do and what i really wanna be.

i'm an impulsive girl. yes. i used to be. i always am. and i still am. but being impulsive is to just follow your feelings and just do what you feel like doing.

some say i'm an ambitious girl. even dad's fortune-teller said his daughter is ambitious. i may be and i may not be. many times i thought financial freedom; being able to gain control of my life, my time to able to spend time with my family, my friends; just being happy is what i really want in life. and if i gotta trade 10 odd years of hard work for a lifetime of that, i will happily accept. but maybe i'm lucky too. that i just like to start a business on my own. it's not what i need to do but what i like to do. it's just i have a different liking about wat i wanna do in future than most people. may be true. may be not.

somehow i've been lost. getting lost in my own thoughts. getting lost in my daily life.

and i start to lose the feelings of what i wanna do, what i wanna be.

do i really wanna be a super woman, doing the things most people wanna achieve or wanna do but think its stupid to really do it *i dont know* ? do i dislike doing the ordinary thing like getting a job and leading a simple life so much?

or is it the opposite?

that i actually wanna lead a normal life too. just normal. but somehow i fear. the ordinary thing. i still can't figure out it as yet. but even at this very moment of some self reflection, i'm scared of saying it or disclosing the very real thing that i wanna do like a normal girl.... sad huh?

a super woman versus an ordinary girl.

who do i really wanna be?

but i know the very true fact is that: in every ordinary girl, there is a super woman and iin every strong super woman, there is something ordinary.

i guess noone can separate them.

like most things in life, you can never say so definite. there is always some variation. there is always something inside another. which is the adjective and which is the noun. which one comes first and which one is the result. hard to define isnt it? just like life. no matter how hard scientists try to explain, we still cant find the definite answer of how it began. and that's why its beautifull, isnt it? maybe.

 

as the calendar flipped to October 4, it marked 6 years living in singapore for me and most of my batch mates. i said most cuz along the journey, some of us have chosen to take a different path by circumstances and by chance.

 

October 4, 2000 - 23 happy smiley faces landed in Singapore International Airport, Changi; all first time overseas. well, not exactly true but all first time going to live in a totally new country on our very own.

 

our first three months was like heaven, though it was "caged" heaven =). we were all posted to Winstedt hostel which is located near Newton MRT and the good food of Newton Circus. we went for English course at RELC everyday from morning till afternoon. the short period after school and dinner, most of us would rush to Orchard Library or Toa Payoh Library to use the internet - the cheaper alternative of contacting our family in comparison to telephoning (at that time, a phoenix card of $10 would allow us to call home for about 11 mins. Well, of course the cheapest alternative would be writing letter and post). During weekends, our much loved seniors would come and bring us out to experience Singapore and introduced us to many things that we really enjoyed. Winstedt was a cage cuz of the early curfew and the many strict rules were implemented upon us - those kids who were so used to much more freedom at home. There were some really interesting rules like the guard would only let maximum two juniors accompanied by one senior out of the hostel. We were the biggest batch (even upto now) so there was a little bit straint of the senior manpower. The cambodian and the only Laosian would have to be adopted by our seniors or the Thais seniors as they were the pioneers =) There was also this signing in and out rule plus the putting up of our hall card on the attendance board. Apart from hostel rules, there were many customs being practised like if you get lost, please call 8874436 (the Winstedts people would probly understand why some like me can still remember those number so well =); and there was also: when you want to drink water, you have to use two hands: one to press the handle and one to hold the cup up. Those were just a few among the many rules that were told to us time and again to the extent that some of us really loathed the draggy roll call; but as we left Winstedt, those became part of the sweet memories of the first three-month heaven.

 

(it would take hours to ever finish writing all the tales that happened during that short period of 3 months at winstedt and this post focus is on 6 years so i gotta move on)

 

After the english course, we were posted to various secondary school and respectives hostels and boarding schools. I was posted to CHIJ (TP) with 2 other girls who later becaome my best friends. We stayed in RI boarding with 6 out of 8 guys of our batch (we were not as pampered as that sounded though). I fell in love with RI boarding facilities right on the first day. The five houses being named after the previous principals, the dining hall whose walls made of wood and the whole structure that carries an old british-like architecture made me feel so much resemblance of that setting in my favorite book - Harry Potter. And the swimming pool. Wow, that was the best thing that RI has in term of facilities. Well Moor house on the other hand was a total put off for again we were faced with many strict house rules implemebted by our house mistresses. One of the famous one was all to apply for a leave form 3 days in advance if you wanna go out on a normal weekend. The roll call hour, curfew and light-out are what only a Moor house girl would ever experience. But good thing is through difficulties, many strong lasting friendships blosom =) RI also had its bonus due to the various boarding functions we had, be it Formal dinner (where I first learnt the basic techniques of dining etiquettes), courtyard dinner where the food is always so good, social nite and interhouse challenge. Among the vietnamese community, we had lots of functions too ranging from national day celebration to birthday parties or just simply gathering. I still remember the time our guy juniors actually cook for us and the noodle they made were indeed delicious and that gave me a pleasan surprise.

 

(the time we went to school at IJ and stayed in RI has many many many stories to tell and these are just flashback)

 

Moving on to JC, i went to TJ to experience something different. At TJ, i had my best 2 years in singapore (so far) with a completely satisfying experience both at school and AH. Council, choir, 0103, study, friends and teachers made my school life really a good time and hostels can never be better. The AH gang was dominated by malaysians, chinese, indian, then 3 vietnamese, 1 indonesian, 1 laosian but we were all one happy family (well, not all but almost =). AH was completely different from RI and Winstedt. The facilities were way below average but the rules were like heaven. Our curfew was 11pm and sneaking out for super was not too difficult. There were even some favorable practice for us like the secondary students had to go for study hour at 7.30 so the JC gang could occupy the TV room legally to watch our all time favorite show - the Singapore Idol (the first season, of course). But there would be one best idol season not because it was the first but because of the company we had. Super and saturday meals at feng shan were always good, esp the prawn mee and I would always go to the super tiny NTUC Fairprice for some grocery shopping. The meal refund was incomparable as it was our extra income that only AH would provide its residents. But all in all, AH was great cuz we all just one door next to each other and having each other company at ALL time was something that can never be replaced.

 

(as this post is more hostel focused, if one would realized by now, the school aspect would be elaborated when the mood comes again)

 

four years went past faster than the me of 6 years ago would imagine. after the first 2 years, two of our batchmates went back to vn to do their university, one went to poly. the rest of us was preparing for our university and scholarship application.

 

after A level result released, a group of us, 3 guys and 4 girls rented a house at Dover together to stay and work. it was like a second honeymoon after the first three month heaven in Winstedt. The many stories that we shared during that three and a half month helped us to understand each other so so much more and i'm really thankfull for the time we spent together. All the cooking, the once a while cleaning up of the house, the mango picking, the guys and the girls little quarelling, the birthdays, the parties, the long talks and the song. All are memories that i would never ever forget. Even the telephone number 67779234 =)

 

After Dover, we had another stint in Vietnam where they visited my city and we went to the beach. It was fun bargaining for just 20cents, sea-bathing after a really long time, eating seafood, bargaining again for cab and trying my mum's very good food =) Then we went to Sapa - a moutain village that is as beautifull as dream. We carved our batch initials on the stone at the Dragon Jaw and said we will come back after uni. (well i came back last year :p).

 

The more time we spent together, the harder it was for some of us to leave. 7 went off to US while the rest were divided into 3 different university in singapore.

 

my uni life is sumarized in one word: busy. and that took away a considerable amount of time spending with my friends. but like brother said on his blog: the most beautifull discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart =). some may think its an excuse but i wonder how many of my friends actually think that cuz i didnt have physical time to spend with them and even take care of myself, they can probly spare some time to take care of me.

 

but lets not digress. so it has been 6 years since the day we first landed in singapore. i'm gratefull to each and every 22 other cuz without them i would be really alone in this country. some of them to me are really sister and i know our friendship will last beyond this journey in sing. (i can imagine we have family and kids and still get together for some overnite talk. really!). without them, noone would probly understand my half english half vietnamese most comfortable way of conversing. without them noone would share my "unique" vietnamese accent - a mixture of the north, south and middle part of vn. and without them, there would be noone to say: happy anniversary to, each year when the calendar says October 4.

with that, Happy 6th Anniversary.

 

brother is 3 years older and since the first day we met, we fight everyday.

 

on the day mum gave birth to me, dad was away and mum had to go through operation cuz i was upside down. brother cried and said he didnt want a sister.

 

i came out anyway and i wore all his baby clothes so brother thought "hey i've got a little brother"; so he shared his toys and played with me.

 

at three when brother started schooling, he realized :"oh no, its a girl" and stopped playing with me.

 

i cant recall correctly which age was that but me and brother spent almost 24 hr per day together when we were little cuz mom always locked us inside the house when she went to work. so me and brother had no choice but played together. brother was naughty and got scolded almost everyday for his "creative" games. but brother was good with running away and escaping mum's punishment. so he was happy anyway.

 

i went to school and got bullied badly by these two guys. everyday i walked home, they would stole something or threw my stationery down the drain. but that was all because everyday during break, i would be heading a gang of girls to go beat them up. so the revenge kept going. when i was fast enough to run to my aunt's office opposite, i was safe. if not, *tada* there went my pencil case. when i was older, i realized, brother was in senior class in the same school. but he never protected me and we never walked home together.

 

we've been going to the same school almost all our life in vietnam. i went to the same secondary as brother. i became an examplary student at primary 5 (no more beating guys up) while brother was still naughty. so i became mum's reporter on all brother's misbehave in school. i was famous among brother's classmate as "the sister". cuz we shared a bike so we had to go home together but everyday brother would escape to play soccer. so everyday i would be waiting outside brother's classroom so he wouldnt run away and that became a legend. i was persistent and brother was really angry sometimes when his classmates teased him. on the brighter side, i was his alarm clock so he was never late for school (even when we had separate bikes cuz the moment i opened the gate is the moment brother need to get out of bed). i was also brother's reminder for all his various exam and even his index number cuz brother never paid attention to things he categorized under "minor details"

 

brother went to high school which was the same school as our secondary so we sticked together for another 3 years.

 

the first house he rented after leaving home for university was the house i was staying for my exam preparation to go to singapore.

 

so much of our life in vietnam, we spent together. when our house was still small, we even shared the same bed. naturally, i became the one who could read brother's mind best. i knew when he was bluffing. i knew when he was boasting and i knew brother was good at talking girls into liking him.

 

i left for singapore after secondary and till then, we've spent 15 years together under one roof.15 years of fighting and arguement. it was quite fun when dad imposed the rule: brother cannot hit his sister while sister can. dad's reasoning was brother was almost twice my size so watever i do to him would be just same muscle training while the other way would break my bones anytime (cuz brother didnt know how to control his big muscle). so brother always play with our guy cousins and me with my girl cousin; and we were both contented. those were the best years of my life - like a fairy tale.

 

as i left vietnam, many things changed. brother, myself and our cousins, we all grow up and start to leave for our own future. it was a play of fate that we had the same grandma and grandpa who gave birth to our mothers and brought them up under the same condition; and we shared the same childhood, we should continue sharing the same future i always thought but life was never as simple as it is.

my girl cousin went to ho chi minh city to live with my third aunt. brother also left for ho chi minh half a year later to go for a 2+2 degree with 2 years in australia.

 

i was the lucky one who took the scholarship by chance and was the first in our generation to go overseas.

 

soon another cousin of mine left for the states on exchange. she then continued doing her bachelor degree in virginia. the sudden news of uncle's pass-away was a bad hit to her life and turned my family upside down. my free spirited and ambitious cousin left her dreams to settle down and took care of her mom and her 10-year old brother. she got engaged to an american. he was a really nice guy and i know at least with him, cousin is well taken care of. she just graduated and plan to start working soon.

 

but uncle's pass-away has had more impact than just the mere painfull fact that uncle is no longer around. it was a total shock to everyone in the family. bad things happened and that was the start of a night mare. me and brother were overseas then but it hit us just as bad.

back to brother. he top his class and was recommended by his prof to go exchange to the states instead. mom and dad were happy cuz the states holds brighter future. so the third time i came home, i packed his two huge suitcases to US.

 

brother was unlucky when he got his huge suitcases lost by the airline. it was really cold there in US at that time and i felt like crying for him. that was when i realized that though we fight and "hated" each other, we are still brother and sis.

 

they found back his suitcase and brother was happy. brother was smart and he did the remaining of his degree in less than two years. living overseas made brother a more responsible person and he started to learn to take care of himself; though occasionally, i would receive a call at midnite asking how to cook this and that. brother never noticed that US and Singapore was 12 hour different.

 

brother graduated and his prof helped him to stay on do his master for free. brother was happy with his first pay check as an assistant prof and promised to give me 5% after much negotiation. i was happy too but no money ever came in physically =(.

 

after jc, i applied to US, wanting to explore the life of freedom over there and at least be with brother. things didnt turn out as i wanted it to be and i decided to stay back in singapore. brother and everyone thought it was a good decision cuz i never want to stay back and work in US so there wasn't a point of going there. to me, it marked a life of living alone in another country without a single relative since 15.

 

brother then dropped out of his master when he found a job in another state. but brother wasn't easily contented and kept complaining until he was sent to miami for a half a year project. he is now living in 4 star holtel apartment, having his company rent car for him and flies to washington to visit his gf every week on company's money. and as generous as brother always is, dad is now charging all my expenses against his account, but brother never complains.

 

brother asked me to get a bf so he would take care of me. i told brother i wont get married and will life in his house like an old auntie. brother was scared. since then everytime brother calls, he would remind me to live healthily, take care of myself and my beauty and all the etc so as to become a good gf and a good wife in the future. brother used to be proud cuz i was his intelligent sister who would ace through my studies and live off scholarship money. now brother is scared that his intelligent sister is too ambitious and on the way to turn into a carier woman. 15 years living together does make us the best to understand each other.

 

at least the fact that brother is settling down and living happy over there has make the dark cloud a little brighter and the nightmare a little hope of turning over.

 

brother and everyone now want me to go exchange to US and hope that i would fall in love with that land of liberty and decide to stay. but two years ago, the decision is almost made for me.

 

but i wanna go for exchange, yes. though i prefer experiencing europe, US is still the best place cuz brother is there - my family is there.

this post was started cuz i received brother email. for a long time we only talked on the phone. mail would only be for photos that brother sent. brother's non-photo email make my heart ached. it's been almost 4 years since i last saw him. brother couldnt come back to see our new house during last new year. in the email, brother said he would come back to beat me up if i wasnt behaving (which obviously i'm not). i want brother to be back. especially now with wats happening. though brother doesnt really know but he is still the only one i can share this trouble with.

 

i wish brother can go back this december as next june is my PA. though dad said they can always come over to singapore but home is always the best place to be. we would probly share my bed cuz brother doesnt really have a room now (not like we ever had separate rooms).

 

brother's friends are all grown-up adults and have started working now. i've met one of his best friend the last time i was home. it was good chatting with him. it still felt like he was just brother's classmate and not all grown-up adult. just like my senior friends in uni. its hard to imagine they are going to graduate and start working real soon. its even harder for myself though i've always wanted to start wokring as soon as possible before this.

 

well, brother is grown up too. he's no longer the supposed-to-be-younger brother that i used to took care of. brother is taking care of me now (at least my expenses =). and brother has got himself a gf. and brother might just get married in a few years time. yet we havent had the chance to fight again since 4 years ago.

 

time waits for noone. but good thing is i still look young (a kid like some say) and brother still look exactly like 4 years ago. maybe a little fatter and no longer the almost perfect V shape (probly brother spent too much time working in front of the computer and partying that he didnt have time to tone himself up). but yes, its always good to have an elder brother. hmmm. not always but good.

 

just feel it a bit weird why so many times i see "wake me up when september ends" on people's msn nick. is it just because of the song or is there another underlying reason? if i were to put that, it would probly be: wake me up when march 2007 ends cuz my peak period is now till next year march. dont sound so good? haha but that's the path i chose.

anw, today someone is turning 20 so here wishing u happy birthday. though i know you never read this. so maybe i should take the chance to say somemore. lol.

thinking back about jc time esp 0103 and the class guys. lots of fond and also weird memories *a mixture of funny, cute and... hmmm wat should be the word???... nvm* anw, the class guys of 01 is a crappy gang who like to talk corks and that's why they appear really childish. maybe i was too much an old and naggy mother then that make them appear so. i was a fierce one too that would say: wanna die? to the guys if they are not behaving. scary huh? hitting them is another part that prove myself to be such a fierce girl. but of course, i would only hit those i know would never hit me back ;) think i was quite a dictator.lol. i bet they never know how much i like each of them and how funny i think they were. to be able to talk cork, u really nid some sense of hunor even if its a crappy one. =p

tomorrow is class outing. a long-awaited one. if my memory is still not rusty then the last class outing was more than a year ago during national day. called curtiz just now to ask for his mindcafe member card and found out that his 0100 still has class outing till NOW.. wow. i hope i can sustain that with 0103 as well. yeah. my two dear cg reps have passed his honor to a commoner-me to organize class outing. oh well. sometimes i wonder why i'm always the one organizing outings for almost all of my affiliations. no comments.

i've become lazier and lazier to get out of ntu as time goes. i only do that now when i'm meeting friends outside. if not, even for holiday like this, i would spend my time in campus procastinating.

just played some crazy bridge last nite till 7am. that was the first time i walked out of src at such an hour. wonder if its gonna be one of the last time i do that. december holiday is gonna be for mom and my family. june holiday is gonna be PA then prepare for FOC. year 3 maybe. i should have more time by then and concentrate more on FYP i guess. but year 3 sounds old isnt it? even though my peers in vn are already in their forth year and some will be graduating in may and soon join the work force. woah. that thought did scared me somehow. cant imagine myself and even my friends gg out there working. having 8 to 5 pm day. then soon get married. tied down with family and there goes all the crazy playing overnite. how i wish i never grow up. forever playing in my kindergarten class. no worries.

remember the stuffs that we were talking during our ladies' nite outing. talked till 2am at bugis mc. really glad that mc donalds is 24 hrs. i'm still a mc fan no matter what =). i've come to understand how it feels leading a career woman's life and why a career man needs a family type of woman. i've been contradicting in what i wanna do and what i do. maybe i've been away from family for too long that the thought of being tied down and lead a family lifestyle has become both dreadfull at the same time fond and longing.

not thinking very well now so i shall stop here for today.

thought of having a new blog on blog spot cuz windows live made my background so not nice but realized that if ever have time for that, that would be probly next academic year.

yeap, took up the 80 AUs module which left me not much time for anything else be it sleeping, eating, watching Kdrama, meeting up with friends, playing bridge overnite and even taking care of myself seem hard - impossible doesnt seem so exaggerating... but i do enjoy what i am doing and probly that is how i survive.

my 6.30 to 11.30 pm everyday has been booked for the past 2 weeks as well as the next 2 weeks (as of now). but it seems like with this super packed schedule, i have started to be able to pracise "discrimination" - something that i was never able to. but well, saying directly no to anything and anyone is still a difficult thing to do no matter how i think about it.

on the off side, i'm still too much a perfectionist with a do-everything-myself attitude. i have to stop this before it kills me eventually.

didnt wanna blog anything about this at first but reading lita's blog make me realize that i should. you are rite dear that girl needs a place to let things out and just simple complain and whine about things, somewhere to lighten your heavy load so as to have some more space to take in more things =). i said it to others too but it seems like i've not been practising it too well. didnt blog for sometimes (cuz i didnt think i should spare anytime to blogging with this new not-so-nice background blog), but i'm now reminded that for someone like me, probly blog is the only possible companion.

someone like me = too involved in activities, having super packed schedule & a slightly too big to handle social circle.

having a big social circle of friends is good, yeah. i'm gratefull. but it adds to my realization of the fact that i have way too little time for my friends to even have time for myself. i guess i need someone to take care of me - maybe a kindergarten teacher =)

recently, i thought again about taking up the 20Aus module. physically and mentally its something i really need. but morally i know it will never come true. this brings back to the point of blog being the only possible companion. (i'm sorry i abandon you for some time)

read my cousin's blog yesterday and cried. (tts part of the reason making me feel a little weakened and sick today). its been 2 years and still feels like yesterday. seem like she's slowly coming to term with it or has something happened recently that it affects you badly? i'm sorry i'm too tied up with my life here and couldnt talk to you more often. i really wish you strength to move on. life is tough, isnt it. i have my problem too and now i just pray everyday that it will never never become the worst nightmare of my life. God, i will be good so please let them be happy...

anw, these are just thoughts coming to my mind. unorganized and may not make any sense to anyone. but still, if you still care to read, thanks.

its been quite sometimes since i last blogged. not because i didnt want to blog but the new msn space live is just simply not nice >.< my flower background looks so odd now and there are some added features that i cant delete away. argh...

thats why i didnt blog for a while.

many things happened since then. yes.

family, studies, Eca, work, friends. social life, relationships. i'm trying to sort them out now but honestly i'm not progressing much. think i'm suffering from serious procastination.

i re-ran for CAC exco and now the VP support. it was a very last min decision and thats all i wanna say.

for now, i'm taking things step by step and hopefully i can collect back the lost pieces of me.

so that was my first FOC in university.

though i'm alr going to second year and considered to be quite active, i never did join any FOC in my freshman year. so Ventura is my first ever FOC in uni :p

all in all, i had a good time. Innu wasn't the best OG on earth as they are not competitive nor they are super enthu. nonetheless, they are a great bunch of people who know how to enjoy themselves (esp at clubbing), whose cheering rocks sentosa and also the most perservered bunch that stay strong till the end of the 5 day camp. great job and i do really love you guys. (haha not sure if any of you is gonna read this EVER. but well... who knows ;)

first day initiation nite was probly the most disgusting one as the freshies going through all the flour cum soya source cum tomato ketchup kinda games and not to mention EGG. saulte to all who have braved through the nite!

second day pool games were great fun (maybe cuz its only water and its relatively cleaner). yingyong said i look like a tourist/visitor with my pretty purple shades. but i still like it. and YONGYI~~~~ arghhh~~~ soaked me with water. i will remember this lor. so watch out.

telematch was alritie but night games were a little long and draggy and everyone was rather drained and super shagged when the clocked ticked pass midnite. tried my best to keep their spirit up and thinks positive positive. well, amazingly the super hyper me still can pull through another 5 hours playing bridge till 7.30am. and that marked the end of it. KO.

i did regret that i didnt join my og at the amazing race. i heard it was fun and everyone was running and the spirit was kinda good. well done everyone. the third day was followed by Fright nite and this is my first time acted as a ghost. our station was crowded with ghost actors and we managed to scare quite a number of girls and a particular pair of guys. lol.

day 3 was really long with 2 hours waited, 4 and a half hour scaring people and ended up with SP interaction at loyang. and i ran away from my supposedly SP. sorry... but somehow i really cant lie. at all. sad

war games were a good start for day 4. we packed lots of water bomb with SEAWEED. thanks to law and his quality-guaranteed "chin chow". i was hit really badly and that all started with MARCUS LIM~~~~ then even irwin, lawrence, yongyi, kelvin, gary, joseph, elton, ying yong joined in... argh... i still rmb most of you so.... i wont forget lor...

missed the nicest dinner at Olio cuz i nid to go to airport of all the sudden. but clubbing at DXO was good. will elaborate in later posts.

sentosa beach games brought along a nostalgic feeling. 3 cheers for Innu warriors - the absolute winner.

it was a relaxing afternoon watching the sea, walking along the beach while trying to look out for THE tree...

finale was good with Innue emerged as the first runner up in cheer fight. love you guys.

caught the last bus back to ntu. lucky sia~ and still living on a luggage...

really hope i can keep in touch with some of the people in FOC and thanks alll for everything.

*too shagged and sleepy to blog in details. leave it to next post okie*

and so i finally could let some of it out. at least i'm no longer numbed. so now it hurts and this is just the beginning...

 

somehow it did felt like i was forced to come to accept the reality after a failed lousy attempt of self-denial.

 

i wonder wat should i do? there are so many questions that need an answer. and each of them has so many considerations need to be made...

 

i'm still struggling to find the common grounds between all the conflicting ideas and thoughts. sometimes i hate myself for being so accommodating to differences and controversy. but most of the time, i'm glad cuz i could understand the people around me better and accept them for who they are.

 

yet, to add in more drama to this nightmare that doesnt seem to end anytime soon, i'm trying to understand, accommodate, accept the person that i, at the same time, want to hate the most. i never hate anyone but now i'm trying to.

 

i'm no goddess. yet, why am i so "goodie"? why am i not like a normal person who can simply have hatred? maybe it would make my life much easier. and why must i be so guilty of being selfish when all i want is just to be happy?

 

i'm scared. and i ran away.

 

but i guess its time to stop and turn back... though i know i'm still not strong enough...

its been really long since i last blogged. wonder if anyone has forgotten this blog?

today is supposed to be the day my delegates arrive at singapore changi airport. but only when i reached the airport after 2 hrs journey, was i told that they will only come tml....

so i have one more free night before IPhO really starts so i just wanna take some time to keep this updated as i promise in my first post.

minh huong now is really really tired. her heart is really really heavy with many emotions that sometime she just feels so suffocating. and her mind is never free cuz there is always something to care about, to think about and always problems unresolved. and at times, she just wanna explode, yet she cant. and time after time she held herself back, it got heavier and heavier.

wonder how long more can she hold it?

 

this is the add-on the mun's blog entry "oh ya" on May 12, about gentlemenliness.

i totally agree with you, girl so i shan't argue anymore but just provide some more examples on how the small little things can be part of the making of a gentleman.

1. open doors when walking with girls cuz some doors are really heavy; and keep them open if you see someone behind.

2. drive carefully and slow down at humphs and zebra-crossing (girls generally get dizzy very easily if you drive just a little too fast)

3. send the girls back when it's dark. it's not that she can get raped or girls are scared of ghost or anything but it's just something.... nice !!! :)

4. walking next to the last girl in the group and checking that all are back safe and sound are really really true act of a gentleman cuz girls are very often left behind as they are, for some ladylike reasons, cant walk as fast :p (guys, just try walking on heels or wearing some dresses)

5. choose a clean and even path to walk when the girls are on heel. dont just cross some wet grassland or something soft and esp drain cover, cuz their heels can get stuck. really!!!

6. care less about tiny-mini details and never try too hard to win over a trivial argument. (just trivial!)

7. dont be stingy with your " thank you", "sorry" and "truthfull" compliment. false compliments are never appreciated no matter how much effort was put in.

8. offer your jacket when occasion arises. (and if you do, dont be too particular abt how she wears it ;)

9. not to refuse to pick girls up when it's not too troublesome. (the degree of feeling troublesome varies from man to gentleman too )

10. with all said, i think the one important yet easiest to show one's gentlemenliness is to care. if you start to care for your female friends, you will start to notice these small little things that we all value so much and you will just naturally know what to do :)

nevertheless, the world will never be complete without the part on girls being ladylike as well :) and i'm sure guys also have expectations on us. would someone reading this blog, give me some tips on that cuz like someone said i'm still just a little girl ;)

i finally got to see the beach...

 

the feeling is still the same. i could feel the cool sea breeze and the saltiness of salt. the stickiness when it touched my face.

 

i could see the long coastline that covered with umbrella and my favourite lazing* chairs.

 

i could feel the tranquillity and the relaxation that just being by the beach can give me such delux.

 

yet, things are still not the way that i hope it would be. mist are all over the sea when i wake up, hoping to see it. continuously for two days. and the rain. heavy drops. everything makes it impossible to even catch any glimpse of the bright sunlight.

 

it seems like its not meant to be yet. somehow i have this feelings that i will never be able to see sunrise till the sun rises in my heart. till the mist inside clears... till i see my way... till the sorrow lifted...

i wonder wat am i going to write down here on this blog thingy and why am i writing things down here in this pinky blog?

 

first thing i know is something really significant has happened today and that may probably changed my entire life all together. and the next thing i know is i'm numb. just numb. listened and unmoved. no emotion. no anger. no tear. possibly lost. i dont know wat should i do but i know i need to do something. just something that i at the moment really have no idea what and how and when and why. i'm lost and i'm scared. ya, probly fear that something i treasure so so much for my entire life might just be destroyed, taken away from me in the most painfull and unexpected way that i could ever imagine. smirking at myself yet tears are coming out or maybe its just smoke gets in my eyes.

 

wat is betrayval? how is the feeling of being betrayed? wat is trust? wat is respect? where is understanding? all the good things in the world that i honour so much. they all are nothing. NOTHING BUT ILLUSION. there to cheat on you. either it white lie or harmfull joke. pretention or half truth or anything you call it. it hurts.

 

i want to talk to someone. someone but i wonder who? who can i trust? who can understand me? who can help me find a way out of this? who will i listen to?

 

friends. i've never thought i'm without good friends. even thought i was lucky to have close friends to share my problems. but now, i'm left here, wanting nothing more than running away. though i know it doesnt help, i think i'm in a state of self denial. realilty is probly i'm scared. ya, i'm afraid. afraid of facing the truth. afraid of having to deal with the truth. or maybe i'm selfish. i just want to be happy or at peace by myself. i'm scared.

 

the nightmare is still here. wat can i do to wake up? i gotta get myself out of this terrible dream to be ever happy again.

what a screwed up week i've been through! everyday came back tired. pure exhaustion. coupled with a few heart attacks :p

 

friday went to meet Ken at IKEA and was late for ONE HOUR cuz of the freaking long queue at the taxi stand. bought 4 boxes with lit cover to keep my stuffs. took such a great effort to carry them back and the next day, got heart attack when i discovered that out of four covers, only one left??????????????

 

saturday morning got FIVE wake up call when i was already waken up at 9am by Mr Pang, again at 10.30 by my alarm clock and finally at 11.30 by my mum's call. mindan, lily, alex all thought I wasn't up yet and sure gonna be late. turned out I rushed through my bathing ( quite rare) and came earliest and had to wait for everyone else.

 

after lunch at the COFFEE SHOP, we took cab to NUS MPSH4, just in time for me to discover that i had left my jacket at the coffee shop. so there i went out again, caught a taxi. lucky we were back ontime for the competition. so my early turned out to be late.

 

after bridge, went to meet Vi, Pang and Vi's friend at Mc Donald's for dinner. again, i was early (yeah) but they are super late. so we took cab and it took us half an hour to get one so we again, almost late for the concert. * i miss choir and miss tj*. but why when i'm early, everything would still turn out to be late huh????

 

sunday morning, meeting Ken again to get CAC locker key cuz i LOST mine. the second time i lost some CAC keys. think i really have bad luck with keys so hopefully before i pass the notice board keys to irwin tml, it will still be in the drawer. and again i'm late. sigh.

 

back to packing and more packing. exhaustion set in so i couldnt go to chinatown or orchard as planned to do some last minute shopping. at night, i finahlly can start moving my stuffs to Song En's place. me and my roommie again two girls moved all the stuffs down to ground floor. well it's quite alrite after i threw away about a third of my stuffs. haha. *don't wanna freak him out with the amount of thing such a small girl can have*. this time, it really sux big time when i kept calling for 45 MINs and none of the cabby operator picked of my call. what a thing with mother day's eve. finally when SMRT picked up, none of the cab wanna take me cuz i only want to go from one place in NTU to another place in NTU.... even when a Comfort cab came in to drop someone at hall 16, he also refused to take me. *huh*. so when we almost wanted to give up and leave our things there to the next morning, a Citicab came in and took us. so finally after ONE HOUR, we managed to get a cab and was totally overjoyed. *yeah* lol

 

well, my roommie got the first runner-up medal for International games - I.chess from Son. but we now call it the first runner-up medal for the most screwed up people on earth. haha. they probably gave us the medal cuz we looked like two pathetic persons siiting there outside 3D. *kidding*

 

song en's coolie skill is rather lousy haha. and made me and my roommate laughed all the way when we carried the boxes to his third floor which seems like fifth floor to me. lol. i really felt so guilty keeping my stuffs in his room though. *thanks so much for being nice and everything and for walking us back. thanks ya *

 

and now i m back to my mess. need to continue pack my luggage for tml then wake up early to meet suhu. really a screwed up week and i hope sunday is really the end of the week ya. *blink blink*

 

tml i will be home to the flowers, the beaches, the sun and the sea and the mummy's good food and the daddy's girl pampered days... heee.... think i will be back FAT. lol.

 

hope to find myself back after this holiday and when i'm back, the freshie coming to ntu again :)

i miss secondary staying at RIB. i miss my roommates.my friends. miss the tutors. miss the swimming pool. miss the dinning hall. the formal dinner. the courtyard dinner. the badminton court. the piano room. the many parties we organized. the many girl talks we had at the sofa. even the air. bishan junction 8. fairprice. too many things yet never enough...

 

i miss jc life - probably the bestest two years. i miss the 27th. miss being in council. council camp. council dance. mass dance. tj cheers. council room. my locker. my handwriting over it. every corner of it. miss 01. every single one. my teachers. mr tony tan. the principal. the aircon hall. the many concerts. the publicity stunts. the rock wall. the tracks. the sport carnival. temasek idol. even lab.  LT2. study area under LT2. canteen. chinese stall and claypot noodle. photocopy shop. drink stall. sliced fish noodle. i miss choir. recital room. choir concerts. performing. disney. manificat. i miss the way we walk back to hostel. the waffle shop. the hawker center. the 7 eleven store...

 

of course i miss AH. the people. my friends. mr ng and his loooong speeches. mdm tan. the uncle and auntie. the sleeping guard. even the chicken and the rabit. the tv room and singapore idol. the tea room and birthday parties. the corridor. my room. mun and chii's room. mini maggie. bridge cum talking cock sessions. sleep over. study period. even the common toilet. feng shan and fried hokkien mee. the small tiny fairprice. bedok market and supper. the play ground. the starry sky. the slope. even the auntie feeding the cats outside AH. tanar merah.

 

i miss those time, dreams. aspiration. ambition. carefree-ness, spritfulness, smile, laughter, love. friendship. companion and even fantasy.

 

going back to where i came.

 

picking up pieces... pieces of me.

 

i miss you.

 

foreword:

this little "book" is specially dedicated to girls who never drinks before in the whole life; or to a less extreme degree, the only thing they've ever drank is probably some light champaign on New Year's Eve or at most a bottle of Breezer. and that's the reason why they are probably called Dummies in this profession. and so this is my little something for those who were me.

 

first lesson: How do you know if you are drunk or "sober"'

an arithmetic indication might not be that good but fairly accurate: 2 jars of long island.

after 2 jars and if a thought crossed your mind that you might be a little drunk then the answer is probably yes, you are. but that would differ for everyone has different level of alcohol tolerance.

the more accurate indication would be your own feelings. when you start to feel light-headed, giddy and the most comfortable position for you is to tilt your head to one side and lie on your arm, trying to keep your eyes as widely open as they could and trying to think as clearly as you can although your thought might be wondering to somewhere that you hate it to be the most as that is possibly your weakest point.

the sign that says that you are definitely drunk is when you find it is hard to stand up off your comfortable position and walk straight.

 

second lesson: What you should and should not do when you realize that you are drunk

1. stop drinking and change to water with lemon or some other recommendation by your trusted friend or a kind-hearted bartender

2. do not walk around without a friend in case you might fall onto someone you might never want to make acquaintance.

3. dance like there is no tommorrow if you are with friends who know how to handle if you fall.

4. best is to get your friend to get you out, onto a taxi and head straight home.

5. never call

6. never message.

7. never talk.

* confession might be the best and the worst thing you wanna get into *

 

third lesson: some personal sharings and some wondering thoughts

1. after trying out myself, i personally don't think any of the alcoholic drinks taste good. they have artificial smell and some taste like chemical. ehhhk

2. don't try to ask someone how you know you are drunk 'cause he/she will probably say that you must be drunk now to ask such question. i've got 2 same answers. how weird.

3. if you regret anything you did when you are drunk, the best thing is to forget about it and act like it has never happened. it may take times in some cases.

4. lastly, drinking certainly doesn't make you a grown-up ya ;) 

"i wanna smile in my heart" was the line that i wrote down on my calendar for 27th April - the day after exam. i hope so. a silent prayer in my heart.

 

exam is finally over. although it seems to me and my roommate that it has long been over since last friday as we embark ourselves on 24 hours of watching korean series without eating or sleeping. many were frightened by us :p *thanks to Viet and anh Duc*

 

 "the autumn of my heart" or "autumn tales" or "endless love" are some of the different names that people call it. no matter what it is, it is still so beautifull and so touching and i did cried a lot for her. it must be really silly of me to ask the question: will i ever find true love? everytime after the movie i watch. will i ever be able ti o love the way they do? loving him even though we are far apart. loving him regardless of uncertainty. loving him indifferent with what can i get back. loving him in everything i do. loving him in every breath i take. loving him every single moment of my life. beautifull isnt it? like a dream...

 

how i wish i can still dream the pisces dream.

 

i am - a dreamer.

 

and when reality hits me, it hits really hard. not that i do not know what reality holds. not that i do not know reality is far different from the fantasy world. not that i am not strong enough to take reality. but when it hits me, i'm torn apart...

 

seem like you are feeling sad. not too sure if its frustration. exam stress. exam sadness. or emotional sadness. just wish that i could do something. just wish i could talk. could share. but i wont. i couldnt. nah. i m no longer the smile-inducer :$

hmmm... why must it always like this? after i posted a boring blog then i would have something good to talk about. this is so darn irritating, i tell you.

 

i want to go travelling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

oh gosh, how i miss travelling.. and this summer, will it gonna be a boring one????? oh my... please at least take me to the beach or something... i will really die if i dont. i miss sea bathing. i miss backpacking. i miss going around on bus and train and just looking at houses at the sides of the road. i miss sapa and the ethnic people and the smog and the cold air and "ham rong" and the vegetables....

 

i wanna go to US. i wanna revisit europe and go to cities that i've never been to. to paris. to switzerland. to italy. vien and spain... i wanna go to korea. to japan to see cherry blossom... how beautifull would that be! i miss travelling... i just oh-so wanna go travelling...

 

should i go for exchange for one semester? it would be really expensive, wouldnt it? but i really wanna go. but then i wanna start up business. and if i go, that would take one whole sem and i would come back with a fresh start. but if i go, i would be going to the US. probably texas or california where my brother and auntie is. but honestly if i have a choice, i wanna go to an european country cuz it just sound so much more romantic over there. haha... not sure how true is that but vienna was really beutifull. architecture in europe is really really beautifull. the churches there are awesome.

 

hmmm enough said. if i really cant travel young then i will spend the rest of my old-hood travelling! thats it. when my kids reach 15, i will send them all to boarding school or overseas and then i will travel with my old poor husband. and if he really doesnt want travelling, i will leave him on the airplane. hahaha. what a cruel plan i have. haha.